All I can say about the last one Donna....
My sides are aching and it's hard to see the screen for tears, thanks for the belly laugh.
More Jokes
Thanks to Kymmie.
I apologize for the block printing, but that's the way I got it. Thought some of us might enjoy it though.
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS
AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
CLASS AND THAT SHE WILLHAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT
AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THECO-PILOT THAT THERE IS
A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE
AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY
PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE
AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS
BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?
I'LL HANDLE THIS.
I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE.
I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY."
AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED
AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE
WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS
AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
CLASS AND THAT SHE WILLHAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT
AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THECO-PILOT THAT THERE IS
A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE
AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY
PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE
AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS
BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?
I'LL HANDLE THIS.
I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE.
I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY."
AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED
AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE
WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
Mrs. Annie Purple Hat
A French teacher was explaining to her College class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House is feminine "la maison." Pencil is masculine "le crayon." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups-male and female-and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender
(la computer) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine(le computer) because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model
The women won.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender
(la computer) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine(le computer) because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model
The women won.
\Mette
Call Your Child's School!
Call Your Child's School!
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of
your child's school. In order to assist you in connecting to
the right staff member, please listen to all options before
making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1.
To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2.
To complain about what we do - Press 3.
To cuss out staff members - Press 4.
To ask why you did not get needed information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you - Press 5.
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6.
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7.
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8.
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9.
To complain about school lunches - Press 0.
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work and homework, and
that it is not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort,
please hang up and have a nice day!"
Cat
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of
your child's school. In order to assist you in connecting to
the right staff member, please listen to all options before
making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1.
To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2.
To complain about what we do - Press 3.
To cuss out staff members - Press 4.
To ask why you did not get needed information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you - Press 5.
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6.
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7.
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8.
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9.
To complain about school lunches - Press 0.
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work and homework, and
that it is not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort,
please hang up and have a nice day!"
Cat
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Funny Thanksgiving song
YOU WILL LOVE THIS! Turn on your sound.
Our wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving. Pass this on. This is too good to keep!
http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/vi ... 52&rr=y&so
Another one that The Cat sent me!
Enjoy
Cat
Our wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving. Pass this on. This is too good to keep!
http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/vi ... 52&rr=y&so
Another one that The Cat sent me!
EnjoyCat
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Sorry, everyone - thought us "Oldies" might have a chuckle ! ! !
My Resume
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that, I tried to be a Tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a Chef -
figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it,
I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a Musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but I didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working
for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady
work, I finally got a job as a Historian -
until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks,
but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
SO, I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
My Resume
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that, I tried to be a Tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a Chef -
figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it,
I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a Musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but I didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working
for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady
work, I finally got a job as a Historian -
until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks,
but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
SO, I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Mrs. Annie Purple Hat
Sorry this one's so long, but I just had to post it.
Never bring plants into the house
Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter Snakes) can
be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why...
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted
plants. During a recent coldspell, the wife was
bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from
a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green
garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants
and, when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the
wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud
scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out
into the living room, naked, to see what the problem
was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got
down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for
it. About that time, the family dog came and
cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had
bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered
him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his
protests, loaded him on the stretcher and started
carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the
sofa. The Emergency Medical Technician saw it and
dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man
broke his leg, which meant he had to stay in the
hospital awhile.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the
house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered
to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who
sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing,
her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and
fainted and the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out,
tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife,
who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth
and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a
bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his
scalp so badly it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she
saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife
bending over him, so she assumed he had been
bitten by the snake. She went into the kitchen for a
small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the
man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the
unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that
a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to
arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how
it all happened over one little green snake. The
police called an ambulance, which took away the
neighbor and his sobbing wife.
The little snake again crawled out from under the
sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at
it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end
table. The table fell over and the lamp on it
shattered. As the bulb broke it started a fire in the
drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and
fell through the window into the yard on top of the
family dog who, startled, jumped up and raced into the
street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the
neighbors, who called the fire department. To save
time, the firemen started raising the firetruck ladder
when they were halfway down the street. The rising
ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the
electricity and disconnected the telephones in a
ten-square city block area (but they did get the
housefire put out).
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the
hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home,
the police acquired a new car, and all was right with
their world.
Awhile later, they were once again watching TV when
the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The husband asked his wife if she thought they should
bring in their plants?
That's when she shot him
Never bring plants into the house
Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter Snakes) can
be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why...
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted
plants. During a recent coldspell, the wife was
bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from
a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green
garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants
and, when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the
wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud
scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out
into the living room, naked, to see what the problem
was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got
down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for
it. About that time, the family dog came and
cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had
bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered
him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his
protests, loaded him on the stretcher and started
carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the
sofa. The Emergency Medical Technician saw it and
dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man
broke his leg, which meant he had to stay in the
hospital awhile.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the
house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered
to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who
sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing,
her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and
fainted and the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out,
tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife,
who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth
and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a
bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his
scalp so badly it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she
saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife
bending over him, so she assumed he had been
bitten by the snake. She went into the kitchen for a
small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the
man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the
unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that
a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to
arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how
it all happened over one little green snake. The
police called an ambulance, which took away the
neighbor and his sobbing wife.
The little snake again crawled out from under the
sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at
it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end
table. The table fell over and the lamp on it
shattered. As the bulb broke it started a fire in the
drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and
fell through the window into the yard on top of the
family dog who, startled, jumped up and raced into the
street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the
neighbors, who called the fire department. To save
time, the firemen started raising the firetruck ladder
when they were halfway down the street. The rising
ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the
electricity and disconnected the telephones in a
ten-square city block area (but they did get the
housefire put out).
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the
hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home,
the police acquired a new car, and all was right with
their world.
Awhile later, they were once again watching TV when
the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The husband asked his wife if she thought they should
bring in their plants?
That's when she shot him
Mrs. Annie Purple Hat
Curtain Rods
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the ex-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam-cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
...including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the ex-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam-cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
...including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????
Most Dangerous Food!
Most Dangerous Food!
A professor was giving a seminar on the safety of the food
we eat. The auditorium was packed, and the crowd seemed
entranced by what he had to say.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful for you.
Vegetables can be contaminated, and none of us realize the
germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and
we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product
I'm referring to?
You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"
Save My Wife!
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman
flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the
man screamed for help.
A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is
drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give
you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful
strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around
her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
"Okay, where's my hundred dollars?
" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the
third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.
" The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck.
How much do I owe you?"
Ann and Gen, those jokes where hilarious. Thanks for sharing. I think before bring any plants in.
Cat
A professor was giving a seminar on the safety of the food
we eat. The auditorium was packed, and the crowd seemed
entranced by what he had to say.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful for you.
Vegetables can be contaminated, and none of us realize the
germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and
we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product
I'm referring to?
You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"
Save My Wife!
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman
flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the
man screamed for help.
A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is
drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give
you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful
strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around
her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
"Okay, where's my hundred dollars?
" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the
third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.
" The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck.
How much do I owe you?"
Ann and Gen, those jokes where hilarious. Thanks for sharing. I think before bring any plants in.
Cat
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Sometimes it pays to be blonde!
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed
them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole
year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows
would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just
hung up... and I have not heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed
them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole
year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows
would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just
hung up... and I have not heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
I found this on MSN today of News of the Weird! Made me wonder what point he was trying to make!
Italy's highest appeals court ruled in March that a divorcing man would have to pay alimony to his ex-wife because he had refused to have sex with her for seven years as punishment for challenging him in a family argument. (Whatever point the husband was trying to make was not disclosed.) [Agence France-Presse, 3-24-05]
Italy's highest appeals court ruled in March that a divorcing man would have to pay alimony to his ex-wife because he had refused to have sex with her for seven years as punishment for challenging him in a family argument. (Whatever point the husband was trying to make was not disclosed.) [Agence France-Presse, 3-24-05]
If you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere, you have to wake up and pay attention.
My husband & I purchased a minivan on Thur. night, directly from the auto dealer I took him to the Eye Dr. for a exam, where he was prescribed glasses for the first time in his life. Later that evening I saw him sitting in his chair shaking his head, when I asked him whats up, he replied, "Damn a minivan & glasses all in the same day, I guess it's official ...... I've hit middle age." 
True story folks, I just couldn't figure out any other place to put this, I figured the "joke" thread was most appropriate.
True story folks, I just couldn't figure out any other place to put this, I figured the "joke" thread was most appropriate.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Children's X-Mas Carols, Santa In Texas
Children's X-Mas Carols
A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their
favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school.
Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that
he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa In Texas
Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas
because it was warm and he had heard that the people were
friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point
and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?
" Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start
asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want.
" So he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit
complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know
me now-- I look just like everyone else!" He thought happily.
As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began
to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!
" Santa rushed around a corner to hide. "It's my beard!" he
thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!
" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off.
"I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought. So he
walked down the street with a big smile on his face.
Suddenly a man shouted "It's him! It's him! Look everybody
!" Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would
recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said,
"How did you recognize me? " The man looked at Santa and
said, "You? I don't know you,but isn't that four-legged guy
with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?"
A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their
favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school.
Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that
he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa In Texas
Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas
because it was warm and he had heard that the people were
friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point
and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?
" Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start
asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want.
" So he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit
complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know
me now-- I look just like everyone else!" He thought happily.
As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began
to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!
" Santa rushed around a corner to hide. "It's my beard!" he
thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!
" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off.
"I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought. So he
walked down the street with a big smile on his face.
Suddenly a man shouted "It's him! It's him! Look everybody
!" Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would
recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said,
"How did you recognize me? " The man looked at Santa and
said, "You? I don't know you,but isn't that four-legged guy
with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?"
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in
his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and
then stomped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then, 110,120,130 mph! Then he thought, "What am I doing ? I'm too old
for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper
to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Vette and walked
up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at is watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding
that I've Never heard before, I'll let you go.
"The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran
off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her
back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, you have a nice day."
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in
his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and
then stomped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then, 110,120,130 mph! Then he thought, "What am I doing ? I'm too old
for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper
to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Vette and walked
up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at is watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding
that I've Never heard before, I'll let you go.
"The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran
off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her
back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, you have a nice day."
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Cathy I know how you feel, I think I was in the center of a hurricane last night.... suprised I didn't wake up in Kansas 
Funny think though... the grass is still green & in need of a good mowing.
Not use to that, coming from Colorado.
Funny think though... the grass is still green & in need of a good mowing.
Not use to that, coming from Colorado.Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
The Pig Has Toes!
The Pig Has Toes!
In a small town the farmers of the community had gotten
together to discuss some important issues. About midway
through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up
and spoke her piece.
One old farmer stood up and said, "What does she know
about anything? I’d like to ask her if she knows how many
toes a pig has."Quick as a flash the woman replied, "Take
off your boots, old f**t, and count them!"
How To Confuse A Blonde!
Q: How Do You Confuse A Blonde?
A: Put Her In A Round Room And Tell Her To Find The Corner!
Q: How Does A Blonde Confuse The World?
A: She Actually Finds The Corner!
Q: How Do You Re-Confuse A Blonde?
A: Tell Her She Found The Wrong Corner
My Wife Is Missing!
A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."
In a small town the farmers of the community had gotten
together to discuss some important issues. About midway
through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up
and spoke her piece.
One old farmer stood up and said, "What does she know
about anything? I’d like to ask her if she knows how many
toes a pig has."Quick as a flash the woman replied, "Take
off your boots, old f**t, and count them!"
How To Confuse A Blonde!
Q: How Do You Confuse A Blonde?
A: Put Her In A Round Room And Tell Her To Find The Corner!
Q: How Does A Blonde Confuse The World?
A: She Actually Finds The Corner!
Q: How Do You Re-Confuse A Blonde?
A: Tell Her She Found The Wrong Corner
My Wife Is Missing!
A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful