Getting Old Is Not For Sissies:
1.The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs..
2.Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied,"No peer pressure"
3. Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy,isn't it?"
Second one says,"No,It's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
Thanks Cat I just had to put them on the Fourm.
More Jokes
More Jokes
O"Cathy"X's
Original Member#563
Proud member of FOWL, Ramblers,PITA,CNC,CLUBS
Original Member#563
Proud member of FOWL, Ramblers,PITA,CNC,CLUBS
-
Willwonka4442
- Rainbow Keeper
- Posts: 345
- Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2005 10:18 pm
- Location: 14/yr 5ft"6"male in Philidelphia'PA
Re: More Jokes
Thanks Cat I just had to put them on the Fourm.
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Blondie Passes Out!
Blondie Passes Out!
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house.The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell
of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on
the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the
same time.He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies
yes.He asks what she is doing.She replies that she wanted to
prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted
to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can
and they said ....FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house.The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell
of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on
the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the
same time.He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies
yes.He asks what she is doing.She replies that she wanted to
prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted
to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can
and they said ....FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Another Blond
Sorry to all blonds who should happen to take offense, but I couldn't help it 
Telling a Blonde Joke
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6'tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Telling a Blonde Joke
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6'tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
The Miracle Spray
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.
A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
.
.
.
Ready for this?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
The Western Blonde! & How's Your New Math?
I hope you Blondes don't get offended by this, it all in good fun! Sorry if any of you did. I wasn't intending on hurting any feelings!:(
The Western Blonde!
A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV,
they are watching an old western.
The husband says to the blonde "I bet you breakfast in bed
that the wagon hits a rock and the rider falls out dead."
"You're on," Says the blonde.
They watch the western further and sure enough the wagon comes
across a rock in the path, and the rider falls out of the wagon dead.
The blonde gets out of bed and returns with a tray full of food.
After eating the husband says "I have to admit that I saw this movie before." The blonde smiles.
"I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think the wagon driver was
stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice!"
How's Your New Math?
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
52 cards: 1 decacards
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:
1 I.V. League
The Western Blonde!
A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV,
they are watching an old western.
The husband says to the blonde "I bet you breakfast in bed
that the wagon hits a rock and the rider falls out dead."
"You're on," Says the blonde.
They watch the western further and sure enough the wagon comes
across a rock in the path, and the rider falls out of the wagon dead.
The blonde gets out of bed and returns with a tray full of food.
After eating the husband says "I have to admit that I saw this movie before." The blonde smiles.
"I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think the wagon driver was
stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice!"
How's Your New Math?
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
52 cards: 1 decacards
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:
1 I.V. League
Last edited by Cat on Tue Sep 20, 2005 2:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Superterv, Founder of the *K9 Carers*, 
Dominate Your Mate
Dominate Your Mate
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
OMG, That so funny, "not true" But so very funny:lol:
Last edited by the cat on Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.
O"Cathy"X's
Original Member#563
Proud member of FOWL, Ramblers,PITA,CNC,CLUBS
Original Member#563
Proud member of FOWL, Ramblers,PITA,CNC,CLUBS
This isn't really a joke, but I just thought it was precious! Mette, if you feel it should be in a new thread, help yourself! 
Puppies for Sale
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale."
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign. "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!"
We ALL need someone who Understands!
Puppies for Sale
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale."
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign. "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!"
We ALL need someone who Understands!
Thanks to Kymmie.Cup of Coffee
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and
brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so
proud. Anxiously, he waited to hearthe verdict. The grandmother
in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she
forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those
little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men
be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The
best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."
Litle Girl and The Elderly
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old
age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking
in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never
believe this!
Proverbs From the minds of Children
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave
each child in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked
them to come up with the rest. Here is what the they came
up with:
Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the.............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..............daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of....termites.
You can lead a horse to water but .....how?
Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty.
No news is.......................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog.................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you...........will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust..................................me.
The pen is mightier than...................the pigs.
An idle mind is................................the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's..........pollution.
Happy is the bride who....................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is...........................not much.
Two is company, three's.................The Musketeers.
None are so blind as.....................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not......spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed............get new batteries.
You get out of something what you...see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind...........get out of the way.
There is no fool like........................Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and......
you have to blow your nose.
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and
brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so
proud. Anxiously, he waited to hearthe verdict. The grandmother
in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she
forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those
little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men
be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The
best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."
Litle Girl and The Elderly
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old
age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking
in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never
believe this!
Proverbs From the minds of Children
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave
each child in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked
them to come up with the rest. Here is what the they came
up with:
Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the.............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..............daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of....termites.
You can lead a horse to water but .....how?
Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty.
No news is.......................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog.................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you...........will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust..................................me.
The pen is mightier than...................the pigs.
An idle mind is................................the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's..........pollution.
Happy is the bride who....................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is...........................not much.
Two is company, three's.................The Musketeers.
None are so blind as.....................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not......spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed............get new batteries.
You get out of something what you...see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind...........get out of the way.
There is no fool like........................Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and......
you have to blow your nose.
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful